A Temporary forever

A Temporary Forever

I stayed back 15 years ago with my dad when my parents fought and my mom decided to take my siblings and go over to my grand-parent’s house, I stayed at my friend’s house after a party to help her clean up, I stayed at home when there wasn’t enough room for me in the house my family rented for vacation and said that I was simply ‘’not in the mood for fun’’, I stayed with my little sister when she caught a fever and both my parents had to work even though they assured me she was fine, I stayed at the library till very late tutoring a friend even though I also had a test the next day, and when my friend called me crying asking me to stay on the phone till sunrise because she got her heart broken, I stayed.

That is what I do, I stay. And do you know what? It is incredibly easy to stay when you are wanted to. So how is it that no one ever stays for me?

This question haunted both my days and nights for years, no matter how much dedication or love I put into my relationships they always come to an end, the other person always leaves me and the reason they give me is always the same. ‘’You are a very hard person to love’’ and to be fair they are right, for I am indeed hard to love. I am insecure, sensitive, avoidant, live in my own world basically while keeping everyone else out of it, so I never got mad when people left for I understood why, except this one time. I had a friend once, she was as bright and kind as they come, when I felt that we were starting to get close I warned her and outright told her that I cannot let myself get too close because she will eventually leave and I will be heartbroken. She however somehow ended up convincing me that I simply wasn’t treated right before and that she can adapt to my avoidant attachment style that I was worth it… I believed her, that was my mistake because shocker I got attached and she left. Time for me froze at the moment she told me she no longer wants me to be part of her life. It’s been 2 years now and I’m still there.

Nowadays I tiptoe around relationships in fear of abandonment, I’m never 100 in, I smile at people when they tell me that they’ll love me forever not believing them in the slightest, I haven’t had my heartbroken in 2 years, so I’d say my methods are efficient, I am protected but at what cost.

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